Johan Andersen ([info]sevencolorgems) wrote,
@ 2008-06-15 18:35:00
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Entry tags:doubting everything, guilt, johuber

[Filtered from Johuber]
...It bothers me a lot more than it should.

A lot more.

Am I really in the wrong?

Maybe I should stop trying.

...Would that be worse?


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[info]i_like_red
2008-06-15 10:39 pm UTC (link)
...Johan, what's up?

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[info]sevencolorgems
2008-06-15 10:42 pm UTC (link)
...Johuber.

Tried being nice to him.

...Silly me. What a mistake that was.

But then I get the feeling I shouldn't be regretting it like I am, because I'm supposed to be firmly resolved that I wasn't wrong, because all I was doing was being nice to him for the sake of being nice-- asking if he was okay, needed help at all--

Yet... he's probably my fault in the first place.

...Whatever. It's just one of those days.

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[info]i_like_red
2008-06-15 10:50 pm UTC (link)
Johuber can be....difficult. You did nothing wrong, Johan, nothing at all.
He's... never seemed that fond of you really... he might of done it just to make you feel bad, anyone else would of been grateful for your offer, I know I would of been!

It's kinda been one of those weeks.

And don't blame yourself for his existance either. Not your fault. Things just... happen.

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[info]sevencolorgems
2008-06-15 10:57 pm UTC (link)
He seems to think I was doing it arbitrarily. Maybe I was, but... does that make it wrong? Why am I the one in the wrong for trying to reach out and give him basic human kindness? I could understand if he just declined my offer, but the way he told me off...

It... really has, hasn't it.

...But... I keep feeling inclined to think that maybe if I was more careful... goddamn it.

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[info]i_like_red
2008-06-15 11:15 pm UTC (link)
I think you're thinking too much into it, he was probably just doing it to upset you and hey, if he wants to think that way, let him. I didn't see anything wrong with what you did.

Johan, I don't think there was anything any of could of done to change the things that have happened.
It's not your fault?

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[info]sevencolorgems
2008-06-15 11:21 pm UTC (link)
...I couldn't imagine being him, though. Even his identity isn't his own; it was mine first. His personality, his physical body... his existence. None of it really truly belongs to him. He has very little that's exclusive to himself alone.

...And I feel like a brilliant hypocrite by saying that, because I was the one who was not so keen in the idea of having him around in the first place.

It seems I can't win, though.

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[info]i_like_red
2008-06-16 12:11 am UTC (link)
Johan...
...just try not to let it bother you.

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[info]sevencolorgems
2008-06-16 12:17 am UTC (link)
............

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[info]i_like_red
2008-06-16 12:26 am UTC (link)
...sorry... I'm not as good at this stuff like you are.

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[info]sevencolorgems
2008-06-16 12:43 am UTC (link)
No, it wasn't you... I guess I'm just being irrationally upset right now.

...But it's beyond me how you can claim to be so bad at comforting others like this, yet still, even just you lending me your presence at times and lending me an ear and a shoulder at others... You may never know how much I appreciate that.

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[info]i_like_red
2008-06-16 12:54 am UTC (link)
Sometimes I feel I don't understand things as clearly as I probably should.
But if you ever need to talk about anything, that shoulder and stuff will always be free.

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[info]sevencolorgems
2008-06-16 01:05 am UTC (link)
Well, no one's asking you to be perfect. I think the only one asking that of you is yourself.

And... thanks, Juudai.

Really, thank you.

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[info]i_like_red
2008-06-16 01:10 am UTC (link)
Yeah, I guess you're right.

And no problem.

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[info]magician_ayumi
2008-06-16 12:05 am UTC (link)
You ok?

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[info]sevencolorgems
2008-06-16 12:09 am UTC (link)
...Yeah.

See what I told Juudai up there.

It's just... really been clawing at me.

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[info]magician_ayumi
2008-06-16 12:11 am UTC (link)
Ah....

Want me to come over?

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[info]sevencolorgems
2008-06-16 12:16 am UTC (link)
...If you want, I guess.

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Instant Event Thread! O:
[info]magician_ayumi
2008-06-16 12:17 am UTC (link)
*Due to messing with time, you has an Ayu.... wherever you are, Johan o: She places a hand on his shoulder*

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Re: Instant Event Thread! O:
[info]sevencolorgems
2008-06-16 12:26 am UTC (link)
*I guess he can be outside somewhere or something. >>;

He doesn't jump when she puts the hand on his shoulder, but he does have an air of anxiety about him somewhat. He looks at her, straining to put on a smile.*

Hey.

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Re: Instant Event Thread! O:
[info]magician_ayumi
2008-06-16 12:28 am UTC (link)
*That works, 'cause I don't really know either XD

She sits down next to him if he is sitting.*

If you want to talk, I'm willing to listen.

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Re: Instant Event Thread! O:
[info]sevencolorgems
2008-06-16 12:50 am UTC (link)
*I guess so? XD*

I just... I'm getting all mixed up on my feelings for the "counterpart" of mine, Johuber. I tried being nice to him, honestly just nice for the sake of being nice, and that got me nowhere... But I can't possibly be a jerk to him, because I know that'll provoke an even worse response, and I don't know what else to do about it...

...It bothers me. I feel bad for him... he has no identity of his own. Everything that belongs to him belonged to someone else first. His physical body belonged to me; his personality to Yubel; his deck, me...

Maybe it is pity, like he accused me of. But if it is, is it wrong of me? Should I change it into just sympathy? Or should I discard it entirely and stop caring?

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Re: Instant Event Thread! O:
[info]magician_ayumi
2008-06-16 12:52 am UTC (link)
Well, I'm really not sure if there's anything to say that Juudai-nii hasn't already said. But I guess there's nothing we can do about how Johuber chooses to act...

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Re: Instant Event Thread! O:
[info]sevencolorgems
2008-06-16 12:56 am UTC (link)
...I know. I know no one can control anyone else, and he has a free will like any other human... but goddamn it, it's bothering me like crazy.

I honestly wish I could just talk to him normally, but anything I say, he's going to twist around into something else or find some error or malice in. It feels impossible.

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Re: Instant Event Thread! O:
[info]magician_ayumi
2008-06-16 12:58 am UTC (link)
*Mun can't think of anything for Ayu to say, but since seeing Johan like this maves her eyes water a little and she then hugs him*

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Re: Instant Event Thread! O:
[info]sevencolorgems
2008-06-16 01:04 am UTC (link)
*Johan hugs Ayumi back, just holding her there comfortingly for a while.*

I appreciate you being here.

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Re: Instant Event Thread! O:
[info]magician_ayumi
2008-06-16 01:06 am UTC (link)
*That's what I tossed her at you for :D :3

She smiles a little*

I'm glad I can help

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